Intention

“If one is courteous but does it without ritual, then one dissipates one’s energies; if one is cautious but does it without ritual, one becomes timid; if one is bold but does it without ritual, then one becomes reckless, if one is forthright but does it without ritual, then one becomes rude.” – Confucius

A while back, a friend asked me what I thought the difference between nice and kind was. After some back and forth, it came down to “intention.” A simple illustration, driving down the highway and you see someone on the shoulder struggling to change a flat tire. The “nice” response is to say, “Oh how sad, I hope they get it sorted out soon.” The “kind” response is to pull over and help, with no expectation of return. The intention is different. Being nice, the intention is to let others know that you’re nice, or to virtue signal to yourself that you’re a good person. Being kind, the intention is to help, to be of service. Intention is everything. It’s the thing that keeps you aligned with your virtues. Intention is what keeps you from veering off the path and losing sight of who you are and where you’re going.

A friend once told me there are no good or bad habits, there are just habits. It is the intention behind them that makes them constructive or destructive. Morning routines, warming up for a run, training or exercise, date nights with your spouse, family dinners. Every single one of them can go one of two ways. The first, you show up and go through the motions. Physically present, mentally somewhere else. It’s the Marshawn Lynch quote, “I’m only here so I won’t get fined.” Or, if you truly want to make the most of them, they require intention. Intention with the morning routine and warm up so they are effective. Intention with the workout so you make progress, get better, and don’t get hurt. Intention with the date nights and family dinners so you’re present and make real connection. Without intention, if you’re just going to go through the motions, if you’re not going to put the effort in and actually care, then what’s the point?

For a large chunk of my life, I had this belief that if I was not being of service to others, that if I was not breaking myself and giving everything I had, then I had no value to give to my relationships. It led to me feeling constantly drained, exhausted, and ultimately resentful. Resentful because I was giving so much and getting nothing in return. The intention wasn’t there. I was giving and giving and giving because that’s what I thought I had to do to validate my own self worth. I was falling into the exact trap that Confucius warned against, courteous without ritual to the point that I was dissipating my own energy. 

I grew up in Oklahoma. It doesn’t snow very often, usually one or two good snows each year. And without fail, every year when it snowed, my dad would load up in his four-wheel drive truck and, later, in the ‘94 Bronco that eventually became my first car, toss some tow chains and straps in the back, and head out into the snow. He knew that someone would be stuck and need help, and he had the means to help. Once I got to be old enough to be of actual help, I’d go with him and help pull and push people out of ditches, up hills, back on to the roads, to safety. There was never any expectation of return, and he/we would refuse it whenever offered. That wasn’t the intention. It was equal parts cautious, bold, and courteous, and always done with intention.

Intention, or ritual as Confucius said, is the magic ingredient that takes something trivial and turns into something meaningful. Going through the motions simply because you saw someone doing the same thing on Instagram, and they said it helped them, accomplishes nothing other than mimicry. Being courteous or bold or cautious or forthright or truthful or ambitious for the sake of being able to tell others or virtue signal leads to disaster. It leads to you giving too much of yourself away, making reckless decisions, timid and paralyzed, rude, inconsiderate, and not being impeccable with your word. Intention changes everything. Intention is the secret ingredient that alchemizes lead into gold. It gives meaning to your actions and words. In everything you do, do it with ritualistic intention.