Deserve

Merriam-Webster defines deserve as a verb, meaning “to be worthy of.” That sounds great, to be worthy of something. Going around saying, “I deserve X,” or, “I don’t deserve Y,” is the slipperiest of slopes though. On one hand, the feeling of deserving something or being entitled to something is a short step away from disappointment. When you start to allow yourself to feel like you deserve a certain outcome or are entitled to a specific reward, you’re making assumptions, writing the story ahead of time. And when the story doesn’t play out like you have written, what’s left is resentment. 

I remember a few years ago feeling like I deserved a raise at work. I had been going above and beyond, or so I thought, and felt entitled to compensation for the hard work I had done. After stewing in that for a couple months, I emotionally went to my boss. And sure, he validated the hard work I had been doing, and also pointed out all the little errors I was making and areas that I was dropping the ball. I let the entitlement take hold and when I didn’t get what I felt like I deserved, I grew resentful and it showed in my performance. I started slacking because, “if I wasn’t going to get what I deserved, then why try in the first place?”

It’s not always about what we feel like we deserve either. It’s equally as dangerous to fall into the “I don’t deserve this” trap. After years of disappointment, or a life time of conflict, it’s only natural to feel like you don’t deserve happiness. A string of bad breaks, events outside of your control, and you start to convince yourself that you don’t deserve good things or nice things. It goes back to the same thing, making an assumption and letting that assumption dictate the direction you take your life. If you tell yourself that you don’t deserve safety, or happiness, or love, or security, then that’s what you’ll keep driving yourself towards.

Around the same time I was wallowing in my self-pity and resentment around not getting the raise I felt like I deserved, I was battling that feeling of not being deserving. I had effectively isolated myself from everyone. Wake up, go to work, go to the gym, go home, rinse and repeat. Following a divorce and losing some friendships, I allowed the lie to set in that I wasn’t worthy of a healthy relationship. I didn’t deserve a loving and supporting relationship. I didn’t deserve friends or a community of people. And because I kept telling myself I didn’t deserve those things, I kept myself isolated and alone.

Deserve, don’t deserve, entitled to, not worthy of. Says who? According to what metric? There isn’t some arbitrary point that we have to get to in order to be worthy of a healthy, loving, supportive relationship. There isn’t some magic line that we cross and all of a sudden we deserve more money, a bigger house, a fancier car. “Deserve” gets thrown around a lot these days. Don’t fall into the entitlement trap of thinking you deserve anything, that you’re owed something. All it is, is a fast track to resentment and anger. At the same time, take care to not isolate yourself or get in your own way by saying you don’t deserve something. Everything costs, and everyone pays. None of us deserve anything, but if we’re willing to put in the work and we can have everything.