Truth and Love

“Connection happens at the nexus of truth and love, the founders say. Truth without love is harshness. Love without truth is sentimentality. But if you can be completely honest with somebody in the context of loving support, then you have a trusting relationship.”

David Brooks, The Second Mountain

*Full disclosure: I started writing this particular one a few weeks ago. I got about half way through it before I realized that I was writing a part of my wedding vows. I decided to hit pause on this one and come back to it after the wedding. I wanted her to hear it first, before I shared it publicly.

The First Agreement says that we should always be impeccable with our word. It is arguably the most important of the four. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about or haven’t read The Four Agreements, go pick up a copy here *not a sponsor.) Beyond the surface level of not lying and following through with what you say, being impeccable with your word means not using your words in a manner that could hurt yourself or someone else. Whether intentionally malicious or unintentionally harmful, speaking reactively or impulsively can be very dangerous. We should always take care to speak impeccably, truthfully, and with love. 

Almost two years ago now, I remember watching Glass Onion: A Knives Out Story and hearing Benoit Blanc (Daniel Craig) proclaim, “It’s a dangerous thing to mistake speaking without thought for speaking the truth.” It’s a quote that’s stuck with me for ever since. Far too often I see people speak up too quickly and without forethought and end up hurting others. We try to cover it up by saying that we are only speaking the truth, or “speaking our truth.” And then go on to say that it’s not our fault that someone else got offended by what we said. At first glance, sure, it’s not on us how what we say is interpreted. But if we are spouting off without forethought, without intention, then are we really being impeccable?

Ask anyone (especially my wife) and they’ll tell you that while I have a tendency to talk a lot, I don’t always speak with speed. I pause and consider what I’m about to say. For some (again, wife) it can infuriating to listen to. It comes from a lifetime of second guessing myself and being afraid that of saying something, anything, that would be misinterpreted. Over the last, almost, four years one thing she has taught me is that it’s okay to be open and honest. It’s okay to disagree. When you speak truth from a place of love, in service of building the relationship, you can’t go wrong.

More than teaching me how to be lovingly truthful with others, she also taught me how to be lovingly truthful with myself. That it is never okay to lie to myself. Especially when it’s accompanied by the lie that I’m doing it “out of love.” It is always better to be honest with ourselves, even if it hurts. Because the truth is, sometimes honesty does, even loving honesty. There are times when we have to be brutally honest with ourselves in order to move forward, in order to make the changes that we need to but are afraid to.

It’s important to take a moment here and point out that lovingly honest and brutally honest can coexist. Maliciously honest though, that’s different. Brutal and loving honesty can be constructive, malicious honesty is always destructive. When we start to speak in a way that is destructive, intentionally or not, we stray from being impeccable with our word. In terms of relationships, whether it is our relationships with others or our relationship with ourselves, being impeccable with our word is crucial to building a trusting relationship. At this point in my life, I can honestly say that I have not always had a trusting relationship with myself or others. I do now.