Do The Right Thing

“Sometimes you can’t be the hero and tell the truth.”

YOKO by Maisie Peters

Reverse Flash is one of the greatest comicbook villains of all time (yes, I’ll happily die on this hill, but that’s a conversation for another time). He fell into villainy after he so desperately wanted to be seen as a hero, so badly wanted to be Flash’s partner, that he willingly crossed the lines that heroes never do. It was more important to him to be the hero that he didn’t care if what he did was right. Years ago, I heard someone pose the question, “Would you rather win or be in the right?” It’s stuck with me ever since and has helped reframe many a disagreement. Asking myself, “Am I arguing just to win, or is there validity to this other point of view?” Or, asking myself, “Am I being truthful, or am I lying to protect my own image?” 

We’ve all been in that situation at one point or another. Faced with a dilemma and we have to choose to either do the right thing and tell the truth, or uphold the image we have in our mind of how we are the hero of the story. And make no mistake, the idea that we are the hero is entirely selfish one that exists only in our own minds. It’s one of the largest differentiators between heroes and villains. Look at Superman and Lex Luthor for example. Superman doesn’t make choices based on whether others will see him as a hero, he chooses to do the right thing regardless of what the people will think. Lex though, he is driven by the desire for the world to see him as hero, consequences be damned.

Obscuring the truth, playing fast and loose with what’s “right” also allows us to play the martyr. And while there are few things in life as validating as being the hero, being the martyr is up there. The outpouring of sympathy we get and the acknowledgment of how someone else (or everyone else) is the villain in the story is so satisfying. We can play the “I’m blameless” card or “look at how much I’ve suffered” all without having to take accountability for our actions that led us there. So desperate to be seen as this whole, perfect person, we sweep our faults and flaws under the rug in hopes that others will accept us for the hero (or martyr) that we tell ourselves we are. Truth is, hero/martyr story be damned, we are the villain in someone else’s. 

When my first marriage ended, I played the martyr card anywhere and everywhere I could. I hid how much I played a part in the relationship deteriorating. When telling others how it ended, I would play up all of her faults and how she stepped out. I completely ignored how I pulled away, how I didn’t communicate, how I ran from the issues, how I was not supportive, and how, near the end, part of me was hoping it would. I wanted to be the hero so badly that I willingly and gladly crossed the line. It wasn’t until years later that I took full accountability for my own contributions. It wasn’t easy and it definitely changed how some saw me. How others saw me no longer mattered though, all that did was how I saw myself. And living under those false pretenses was not the person I wanted to be. 

Doing the right thing, being impeccable with our word, does not always end up with us being the hero of the story. It shouldn’t. If always being seen as the hero, or changing the story so you can play the martyr, is more important to you than doing the right the thing or being impeccable with your word, I encourage you re-evaluate. There’s being seen as the hero and there’s being a hero. Telling the truth, doing the right thing, means you’re not always the hero and that’s okay. Just like we all have someone in our life that we have labeled the villain, we are that for someone else. At the end of the day, what other’s think of us isn’t as important as what we think of us. And for me, for better or worse, I choose now to do what’s right. As long as I do that, I’m the hero of my own story.