“Those of us who are writers work out our stuff in public, even under the guise of pretending to write about someone else. In other words, we try to teach what it is that we really need to learn.”
I started a new book recently, The Second Mountain by David Brooks (more thoughts on this book to come later). In the intro, Brooks had the above quote. I have never been hit in the face harder by written word than those sentences. I even alluded to this in the intro to my first book (available here). I devoted 2023 to writing and publishing something once a week for the year. Nothing I wrote was done privately, everything was for publishing. I worked everything out publicly under the guise of writing to others. Not that this was necessarily a bad thing, it is not something that is for everyone. Whether you’re working through your own struggles publicly for all the world to see, or working through your stuff privately behind closed doors, doesn’t make your struggles any more or less worthy than someone else’s.
It’s easy to get caught up in the comparison trap. Seeing someone else who is living their life on social media. Someone who is writing or blogging or vlogging weekly or daily. Someone who is sharing their journey of self-discovery or recovery or personal-development. And then, after watching their public journey for so long, you start to minimize your own. Because they’ve shared so much about what they struggle with and the work they’ve done to overcome, it must mean that your own problems aren’t as bad. Because “look at how much work they’ve done and how far they’ve come, and look at how much further I still have to go.” Getting caught in that trap only keeps you from taking that next step. Your journey is your own, and someone else’s is their own.
I spent a very long time in that trap. I would look at people on social media, men that would later become mentors, and compare where I was to where they were. And then I would minimize what I was going through. Saying things like, “Well look at how much he’s overcome. I’m not in that bad of shape. I should just keep my mouth shut and head down.” Or I would tell myself, “Man, I’m so far behind, I don’t even know where to start.” Both things were anchors that kept me stuck. Instead of looking inward and acknowledging that my own struggles were valid, instead of focusing on the immediate steps in front of me, I was stuck in the comparison trap and remained complacent.
The flip-side can be just as treacherous. It is a slippery slope, working through your own internal struggles in public. The focus shifts from the internal work to trying to sound like an expert and talking *to* the audience instead of *with* the audience. You can start to get an inflated sense of self, that you have it all figured out, that you’re the expert, and then you quit working on yourself. Instead the focus shifts to talking to the audience. Authenticity is lost. The openness, honesty, and transparency that drew people to you in the first place disappears. Again with the shameless plug of my book, I suffered this. Through most of the middle 1/3 and beginning of the last 1/3, I lost sight of what I was doing. Instead of sharing my own journey, I got lost in telling others how to live and what to do.
Writers, we work out issues for all to see. It doesn’t matter what side of the keyboard or screen you’re on, there’s an amount of respect for the medium that must be shown. For the writer, for my fellow writers, it’s paramount that we never abuse the privilege or gift that we’ve been given. It’s on us to continue to put in the work and never lose sight of the fact that first and foremost, we must care for ourselves and do the work. And to those reading, this and other publications, don’t ever minimize your own struggles. They’re just as valid as anyone else’s, and you don’t have nearly as far to go as you think you do.
From Gotham, With Love 
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