Anticipation

The anticipation of discomfort is always worse than the thing itself. I first heard that from Kelly Starrett a couple years ago, and it’s been a recurring thought, living rent free in my own head ever since. The anticipation of discomfort is ALWAYS worse than the thing itself. Let that sink in for a minute. And now think back to all those decisions you put off, out of fear of the discomfort on the other side. Or all the stories you told yourself, about how something would go, catastrophizing, playing out the worst case scenario, and working yourself up into an anxious frenzy. And then play that memory just a little bit further out… it was never as bad as you thought it was going to be. Showing up is the hardest step to take because of that fear, anxiety, and anticipation of discomfort.

Conversations, heavy conversations, are especially impacted by making assumptions. Conversations with spouses or significant others, with family members or close friends, with coworkers or supervisors. It’s second nature for most of us to write the story of how that conversation is going to go ahead of time. And then the anticipation of the discomfort sets in and sparks that flame of fear. It ends up being just enough to avoid the conversation all together. Do that enough times and it builds. Avoiding difficult conversations out of some perceived fear of how it will go only hurts both parties involved in the long run. It leads to resentment and distrust, ultimately leading to the downfall of the relationship.

I was guilty of this big time in my previous marriage and former friendships. Something would come up that needed to be addressed, and I’d write the dialogue, both sides, before the conversation could ever be had. I’d then allow the fear of the discomfort of confrontation to dissuade me from broaching the subject at all. Over time, communication as a whole began to break down. With friends, we either drifted apart or became resentful of each other over something trivial. With my marriage, it started with resentment and eventually grew into distrust and ultimately divorce. The awareness that my nature is to give into that anticipation of discomfort, and use it an excuse to avoid the hard conversations, is huge. It helps me take note of when I start to do that in my relationships now. And there has never once been a hard conversation that was nearly as uncomfortable as I had imagined it would be. The perceived discomfort was always worse. I no longer waste time shying away from it, instead diving right in and facing it.

This is also a big idea when we take dreams that we have and start to turn them into goals. Everything costs and everyone pays. It doesn’t matter what it is you want to accomplish, there will be a cost associated with it. Sometimes the cost is monetary. More often than not, it’s a physical or emotional or mental toll that you will have to pay to achieve what you want. That’s usually where most people bail, looking ahead at what it’s going to cost, assuming the worst case scenario, and then giving into the fear of the anticipated discomfort. Something as simple as an ice bath or sauna, the story that is told is one of danger and extreme discomfort. So much so, that you end up hemming and hawing and dragging it out. But then, once you dive in, you realize it’s not nearly as bad as you assumed it would be. There’s no real danger. It was all just a story you told yourself.

Since breaking my ankle, there have been two moments that came close to breaking me. Full transparency here, I’m amazed that I haven’t had a break down yet, and those that know me can attest to that. The first near breakdown was the day I broke it. Sitting in the urgent care, listening to the PA give me the results of the x-ray, I started writing that story of how it would go. Fibula and tibia both broken, that means being stationary for a long time, something I am terrible at. I can barely sit still long enough to watch a movie. The second time was in Vegas when my knee scooter broke and I was afraid I’d be stranded at the convention center or hotel or airport. Again, I was writing the worst case scenario story and letting the fear of the anticipated discomfort worm its way in. Both instances nearly broke me. And both times, the being stationary during recovery, getting back to my hotel and through the Vegas airport, neither have been as bad as I assumed they would be. To the contrary, both instances have been enlightening. If I’d have given into the fear and buried my head in the sand, I would have missed out on the opportunity and growth the discomfort has afforded me.

Then anticipation of discomfort is always worse than the thing itself. It’s a phrase that is, metaphorically, tattooed in my brain and for good reason. It’s a reminder to not waste time fearing discomfort. It’s a reminder to not make assumptions or believe the worst case scenario story. It’s a reminder to show up, because showing up is the hardest part, everything after is downhill (except for that final uphill on the uneven sidewalk into the hotel and casino in Vegas, that was more difficult than it should have been). Don’t let fear of some anticipated, assumed, imagined discomfort hold you back from taking the next step, the first step, or fully embracing your life. It’s never as bad as you think it’ll be. Most times, it’s far better than you could have imagined.